You may think this blog is a little off topic, but it isn't. I have always been single and I have always been fat. I had one long term relationship, male, which was off and on for 10 years and very dysfunctional. In my mind I always equate being single with being fat. Finally, I came out and had a date or two, but nothing serious along the way with one exception but she wasn't serious and I was. I have never lived with anyone, never been a couple, never gotten farther along than a few dates. I always thought this was because I was fat and when I became skinny it would change.
It doesn't matter that there are larger women who are married and have long term girlfriends, the reason I am single is because of the fat and that is that.
I go along with my weight loss knowing that at the end someone wonderful will find me and we will have rainbows, glitter, sparkles and Home Depot visits. But wait, if they find me when I'm thin doesn't that mean that they are really shallow and only love me when I'm skinny? I'm going to be the same person, right? Fat or thin I'm still me and they should love me no matter what!!!!
The fat is an excuse now for why I have no one in my life. Once that is gone, I need to face up to the fact that there may be a reason I don't have a girlfriend. That reason may, indeed, be me.
Right now that is not something I'm willing to think about.
Everyone has a reason why they are not doing what they want or being who they are. Perhaps there are visible scars or disabilities, maybe it is mental, maybe it is just plain fear. Part of what I am doing is overcoming some of these fears, healing some of my internal scars. It is a lot more than just weight. That's just the visible sign of my changing life.
So, no, I won't be the same person when I'm thinner.
See you next time.
Diva
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