I Don't Have Cancer - An explanation

I posted yesterday on Facebook about this, but I figured I needed to explain a bit what happened.

In 2007, I was laid off from my job after 11 years. When I lost my job, I, of course lost my health benefits. That meant no more blood pressure medication. I was smart enough to get my doctor to write a prescription for me for a full year but then it ran out.  I was able to survive on my severance and unemployment for almost three years. Luckily in 2011 I was able to find my present job. Unfortunately, my present job pays about $20 less an hour than the previous one. The job turned out to be a wonderful job in spite of the salary, so I'm pretty ok. I was very happy because I thought getting a job meant I'd have benefits again, but that didn't happen. I was not able to afford my part of the benefits so for the first year I had none.

In order to qualify for benefits at work you need to take part in a biometric screening. They check blood pressure, weight, take blood for cholesterol and diabetes screening and stuff like that. Now as I had already realized I could not afford the benefits that were being offered I decided to skip the screening. I was advised to do it anyway and I would get a $25 gift card. I thought ok, at least I'd get some medical information and $25 out of it. I went ahead and did it and found out that my blood pressure was sky high. It was like 175 over 140 and I was pretty much told I was a stroke waiting to happen.

I called my dad and borrowed some money and went to my mom's doctor who took cash and saw lots of people without insurance. While I was there I asked the doctor about the weird mole on my shoulder almost as an afterthought. He took one look and said "that's coming off right now". It turned out to be melanoma. It was removed and I was given an clean bill of health. When my company switched to Kaiser in 2012 I was able to get benefits that I could afford. I could afford them because I took part in a lot of preventative things to lower my portion of the benefits that I had to pay. One of the things I decided to do this year was get a full body scan for melanoma since I had never really had one since mine was removed two years ago.

On Thursday of this past week, I headed off to the dermatologist. He checked me over and decided to remove a small mole because it was so close to the spot of the earlier melanoma. He also questioned me about the earlier procedure and asked if the doctor previously had ever checked out my lymph nodes. I didn't think so and he checked them out as part of the exam. He asked me how deep the melanoma was and I didn't think it had been very deep but it was really a big mole my left shoulder and that the other doctor had removed all of it. He checked all the lymph nodes and finally got to my neck near where the melanoma had been. While checking those out he got a weird look on his face and asked me if my neck ever hurt and I said no. He kept checking under my left jaw and comparing with my right jaw.

The next thing I know, I'm being referred to the head and neck surgeon, getting a chest x-ray and blood work done. He is also now scheduling me for a PET scan. All of this stuff is being thrown at me and they are removing the small mole and I've now gotten so freaked out that I almost pass out during the procedure. Two stitches later, I head on down to the lab.

I get my chest x-ray done and my blood work and go out and sit in my car. I'm pretty much numb at this point. I thought everything was done with this thing. I was getting healthy, losing weight and exercising. Dying from cancer is not part of this plan! I have two shows coming up and I don't want to cancel them! How do I pay for surgery and chemo? What will happen to my kids? My grandkids? I drive home with every awful scenario going through my head. I came home and talked about it with my children and they were much calmer about it than I was so that helped.

The next morning the head and neck people called and wanted me in that day at 2:30. I texted the BFF and asked her to drive me so I didn't have to go by myself. I then realized that my blood tests results were in my email and jumped in to read them. It was at this point I had a major meltdown in my office. I didn't know what the results meant and I didn't know what was going on and I was cold, dark, fucking scared. My boss got me calmed down and we looked at the results and my doctor noted in the email that everything looked normal with the blood work and the chest x-ray but go to the head and neck people to make sure. I was a little bit more ok, but there was still a bit of doubt and the BFF and I headed off to Roseville.

The surgeon did not feel anything abnormal about my lymph nodes but he said I needed a PET scan and he also wanted an MRI. An MRI???? Is there something they are worried about in my brain??? This was not making me feel better and I finally flat out said "am I ok". He looked at me and said you are perfectly fine. Nothing is wrong with you. I want you to have these tests so we can get a baseline in case you get more melanoma or other things happen and we need to compare. Finally I knew I was ok. Then he began to explain why he wanted these things. Apparently there are four stages to melanoma and it is decided, not by how big they are, but by how deep. Stage one is 0.1-1, Stage two is 1.1-2, Stage three is 2.1-4 and Stage four is 4.1 and over. The doctor then explained to me why they were so concerned. My melanoma had been at stage 3. I had never been told this. I actually felt all the blood drain out of my body when I realized I had been walking around for two years without being checked out. Typically stage 3 melanoma involves the lymph nodes. Apparently I was extremely lucky since it was so early stage three that it did not get into mine. I should have been seeing a dermatologist every three months for scans and should have had a PET scan already.

The doctor reiterated that I was fine, advised me to schedule these tests and the BFF and I headed home while I told her what happened. Now my life will be more tests and dermatology visits and I'm waiting for the results of the latest biopsy, but for now I am healthy and I intend to stay that way. That doesn't change the fact that I was sure that I was dying. I was dying because I couldn't afford health insurance to get me the treatment I needed. Yes, it costs me a fortune to go to the doctor, but that is nothing compared to the knowledge that you are healthy.

This blog is a little bit longer than usual, but I had a lot to say.  Stay healthy everyone.

D

Wondering Why I'm Single

You may think this blog is a little off topic, but it isn't. I have always been single and I have always been fat. I had one long term relationship, male, which was off and on for 10 years and very dysfunctional. In my mind I always equate being single with being fat. Finally, I came out and had a date or two, but nothing serious along the way with one exception but she wasn't serious and I was. I have never lived with anyone, never been a couple, never gotten farther along than a few dates. I always thought this was because I was fat and when I became skinny it would change.

It doesn't matter that there are larger women who are married and have long term girlfriends, the reason I am single is because of the fat and that is that.

I go along with my weight loss knowing that at the end someone wonderful will find me and we will have rainbows, glitter, sparkles and Home Depot visits. But wait, if they find me when I'm thin doesn't that mean that they are really shallow and only love me when I'm skinny? I'm going to be the same person, right? Fat or thin I'm still me and they should love me no matter what!!!!

The fat is an excuse now for why I have no one in my life. Once that is gone, I need to face up to the fact that there may be a reason I don't have a girlfriend. That reason may, indeed, be me.

Right now that is not something I'm willing to think about.

Everyone has a reason why they are not doing what they want or being who they are. Perhaps there are visible scars or disabilities, maybe it is mental, maybe it is just plain fear. Part of what I am doing is overcoming some of these fears, healing some of my internal scars. It is a lot more than just weight. That's just the visible sign of my changing life.

So, no, I won't be the same person when I'm thinner.

See you next time.

Diva

Rewards and Underwear

Being an emotional eater gives you lots of ways to feed your addiction. The thing is, it isn't just being sad or lonely or angry or frustrated that is the trigger for an emotional eater. It is also good news, feeling happy or proud. Think about this: how many good things in your life are celebrated with food? You get a promotion, you go out to a nice dinner to celebrate. Friends get engaged, you throw a bit party with lots of food. It's your birthday, go to a restaurant where they sing and give you ice cream. No matter how you look at it, food is a reward. You don't have to be addicted to know that.

This past week I received a small bonus from my work. I sat and thought a lot about what to do with it. I decided to go shopping after work. Before then, I "treated" myself to Subway for lunch. Now to be fair to myself I did get a healthy sandwich (oven roasted chicken on wheat bread) and I made sure to get the foot long so that I would have something to eat for dinner before I went shopping so I wouldn't be tempted by the mall food (See's Candy I'm talking to you). Shopping for me is akin to root canals. I don't like it at all. Usually because I can never find my size. I mostly shop on line and occasionally I'll find something at Walmart or Ross when I am with my daughter.  Deciding to go shopping, well, I really needed many gin & tonics but I was driving and they have calories.

My intention was to buy underwear. Now, as a fat girl, underwear is not an easy thing to buy. You usually can't go to Walmart or Target and pick them up. I have to go to Lane Bryant or buy them on-line. The nice thing about Lane Bryant is that they will let you order it at the store and get it shipped to your house for free. That is what I had to do the last time I bought underwear because my size is too big and they don't stock them in the store. I am absolutely not complaining about Lane Bryant underwear. Plus size clothing has come a long way since I was young and there are much cuter choices. Unfortunately not in the ones I had to buy. I was happy that they weren't all white. So I ordered my underwear. That was 3 years ago. The other thing about underwear is that it is expensive and usually not something I worry about buying, because no one has seen my underwear in years so why bother? I wait until everything is completely falling apart. However, surprise, surprise I had a different problem--my underwear was too big!

I entered the mall after parking some distance away (quick cardio tip, btw) and passed store after store full of merchandise I knew would never fit and stores that, quite frankly, intimidate me. Gap, Forever 21, places like that. I've been in them and purchased gifts and they are always very nice, but I am afraid, deep inside, that stepping into these places will cause alarms to ring and security guards to appear to eject the fat girl from the store.

Finally I was at Lane Bryant and I went inside. I was able to purchase my lovely underwear in the store because the amazing thing is that I am two sizes smaller.  TWO SIZES SMALLER GOD DAMMIT!!!! I felt absolutely amazing picking out my new underwear and walking out of the store with it. I walked past those stores again and I noticed I was walking taller and with more attitude. Gotta walk with attitude! I had no desire to stop at the candy store, no desire other than to go home with my new underwear. However, I first stopped at Starbucks and got my free Iced Chai Tea Latte (with vanilla) for my birthday.

Perhaps my newer, smaller underwear was my reward, perhaps it was the Starbucks. Whatever it was carried me through the weekend where I ate a healthy meal when I went out to brunch with friends on Saturday and then to Sunday where I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill at the gym after doing my workout. Somehow my motivation switch got switched back on after the last couple of weeks. Then again,maybe it was never off, just on pause.

Next week, I'm talking about more stuff, I just don't know what yet.  Stay tuned!!!!!

Diva

Bad Blogger!

I'm late with my blog......again. In my defense, I just didn't write one.

For the last couple of weeks I have been struggling. With a lot of things, not just my weight. The fact that I have to deal with weight issues in addition to all the other things is just the icing on the cake.

I decided that this time around I would talk about failing. It happens and not letting it affect you so that you keep failing, well, that's the thing.

I have been fat my whole life and I am an emotional eater. I've talked about this before. One of my biggest challenges is stopping all the bad behaviors, the "fat girl" behaviors. When my emotions come into play in any form, I eat. If I'm happy I eat to celebrate, if I'm angry or sad I eat to console myself. Good news, I eat. Bad news, I eat. So when things go wrong, as they did these last couple of weeks, my instinct is to eat.

The problem these last couple of weeks was that my car was in the shop for over two weeks. During that two weeks my well thought out and executed gym routine fell apart. Suffice it to say that while I did not abandon all my good work, I did make some poor choices. The good part is that even the poor choices were not as bad as the ones I'd make a year ago. So that's good, right?  I know that I should have reverted back to the Comcast fitness videos, but I did not. So, the food choices I made were worse because I did not exercise. Quite frankly, I felt sorry for myself. A lot.

The good thing during this whole time was that although I made some bad choices, I never lost sight of what I needed to do. I never forgot that I was in this for the long haul. Each and every time I meet a hurdle I keep kicking that fat girl off to the curb. I'll keep kicking her until she stays in the background, cowed, forever. She's not going to win again.

Oh, and I finally got my car back. The first place I went was the gym. Did you hear that, I WENT TO THE GYM! I got back right where I needed to be and didn't look back. I didn't attack myself about the failures and I didn't ignore them either. I just let them stay in my past and went to the gym.

I kept my focus.

Next week's blog will be a surprise (because I haven't decided what to write about yet. Don't judge.)

See you next time!

Diva

Triggers - Some Serious Shit!

Triggers. We all have them. Alcoholics have triggers that start them drinking; drug addicts have triggers that make them take drugs; any addict knows all about triggers. That's what food is for me--an addiction. The only thing different about food addiction is that you need to keep eating to live. So managing to control a food addition; that's the trick. It all starts with triggers.

Think about the things in your life that trigger you. A smoker, for instance, might need a cigarette with that morning cup of coffee. So postponing that first cup might kill that trigger. A drug addict may need to find new friends because those people are her triggers. Sitting down for a scary movie requires that you pop a big bowl of popcorn. Some triggers are harmless, some deadly, some in-between.

The first thing is to IDENTIFY those triggers. If you are a binger, what starts that binge? Do you sometimes eat when you are sad? Unhappy? Angry? As a reward? Those are important things to find out. Knowing is the first step to controlling. So how do you do that?  How do you find out what triggers you and take the first step toward controlling it?

Keeping a food diary is a very important tool for identifying triggers. Not only is it important to keep track of what you eat, but also when and, very importantly, how you feel when you are eating. It might sound a bit silly but, trust me, it works.

I'm a mood eater. An emotional eater, if you will. If I'm angry, I'll eat something I love to feel better. If I'm unhappy or depressed I'll eat something I love to feel better. If I'm lonely, well you get the idea. So, first off I know the big triggers. These days if I'm unhappy, lonely, depressed or whatever, I reach out to a friend and vent. Everyone has that friend you can turn to. You just need to reach out. I also retrained myself to do other things like pick up a favorite book, listen to music, watch a movie. Find a way to stop the big triggers by sidetracking them in a healthier way. It can be done.

So, everything is great now, right? Not hardly. Notice I said big triggers. What about those little triggers? Those are harder to identify. They disguise themselves as habits, they hide in your brain so you don't know you are falling prey to them. They are insidious and the most dangerous. That bowl of popcorn with your movie. Did you load it with salt and butter? That movie was your trigger for that unhealthy snack you just ate. Do you stop at Starbucks for a morning latte but you have to have that banana bread that goes with it? That coffee is your trigger for that banana bread you don't need. Eat a healthy breakfast before you leave house.

Those are just a few examples. Think about your own for a moment. Now think about how to break those triggers. For me, I could not eat at fast food places unless I got a full meal even though I really didn't want it. That is because it is ingrained in my head by my parents to not waste money and those meals are a great deal, right? Not at all. So, I started with a small change by just getting the burger that I wanted. Nothing else. OMG, was it hard! My frugality triggered me all the time to eat the wrong way. It was an epiphany when I finally realized that. Eventually, I stopped eating fast food altogether except for very rare occasions and I eat as healthy as I can there. I still have issues with this, but now that I've identified them, it's easier to take control.

You don't have to get rid of all your triggers if you know how use them. One of my main triggers is soda, Diet Dr. Pepper, to be exact. Anytime I drink a soda, I need to eat. Plain and simple. I cannot simply sit and enjoy a soda, I have to have food. So that means I drink my sodas, when I allow myself to have one, with a meal. I'm controlling that trigger by keeping within its limits. Other times I'll drink water or iced tea. Soda is the one addiction I'm having the hardest time breaking. I'll admit it, I don't want to give it up. So I find a way to still have it while not letting it take me somewhere I don't want to go.

So, right now, start your food journal if you don't already have one. Once you start identifying your triggers you can start working out how to stop them from hurting you.

Food journals are very important and I'm going to talk more about them again.

See you next time!

Diva

No Birthday Cake? WTF!

Birthdays are different when you get older.  However, I still look forward to them way too much and I am inevitably disappointed when I don't get pony rides and balloons.  This year was no different.  My birthday was on a Monday and I went to work.  There was no cake or ice cream and I didn't get a song.

On Thursday, during a meeting, my boss brought in cake and ice cream to celebrate the August and September birthdays.  As she brought in the cake, I didn't feel that little thrill. That little excitement about there being cake. I hardly noticed it. At the end of the meeting she invited me to be the first one to go and get some cake. I said no thank you. I TURNED DOWN CAKE, YOU GUYS!  Everyone turned to look at me and then my boss said, "you know it's ok to have a piece of cake on your birthday".

I sat for a second and then I said I knew that but I really didn't want any cake.  I realized I actually meant it and wasn't just saying that.Wonder of Wonders I didn't want any cake. Four months ago I would have had the piece with all the frosting and then gotten a second piece to take home.  Now, I was turning down the cake. Let me repeat this because it is beyond amazing - I turned down the cake.

I don't know what got turned off in my brain, but OMFG it is amazing that it happened.  I thought, "I can always have a piece later if I really want it". The thing is, I don't want it.

I don't want cake.

Next week I will talk about triggers and how I learned not to let them sabotage me.

See you next time!

Diva

Fat Girl at the Gym (yes, I know this is late)

So, first, let me apologize for being late with this blog.  I vowed to have a new one each Sunday and obviously I did not.  Unfortunately, life got in my way and hit me like a two by four.

So, let's talk about the gym.  I have not been a gym enthusiast, ever, in my life.  I have been to the gym lots and even joined a few.  All I remember about gyms when I was younger was the big belt that would hook around your ass and then the machine would just jiggle you.  Apparently in those days it was thought you could jiggle the weight away.  I'm pretty sure that didn't happen.  Then we had Jane Fonda and all the aerobics videos and classes.  I never went to the classes.  I didn't have any leg warmers.

So now, I am losing weight and it is clear that I need a gym to get the fat gone and get some tone. According to my trainer I need to start losing fat and gaining muscle.  So off I headed to find a gym.  It didn't take me long to find a cheap one.  I didn't want pools and saunas and classes and stuff.  Just machines. So Fitness 19 filled the bill and I paid my fee and there I was.  The thing is, I don't have gym clothes.  So when I went in for my first appointment I was happy to see that this was an actual working gym and not a place to look pretty while you ogled and got ogled in return. Now my last gym experience was about 10 years ago with a very well known gym and that's why you went.  So, I was happy to start working out in my Gay Days t-shirt from Disneyland Gay Days in 2009 that has really seen better days.  But its comfortable and so are my old tennies that should be retired but I keep them because they are comfortable as well.

So the gym guy took me around and showed me all the machines. When I started using them I was extremely happy to find out that I wasn't in as bad a shape as I had thought and did pretty well.  I have been going three times a week and have started to notice a big difference. Most of the difference is in the pain I feel each day, but I am also noticing a lot of changes.  My posture has improved dramatically from all the cardio I do. I walk faster and don't get winded as soon as I used to. I can also climb a flight of stairs with almost no recovery time to get my breathing back to normal.  All good things.

One surprising thing that I discovered is that I enjoy the gym.  I like the weights and the treadmill.  What I don't like is actually getting up and going.  I don't care what day it is, I will find some excuse not to go. So far, I have made myself go anyway. I'm very proud of myself for that. I am also thisclose to the 30 pound mark!  One more pound to go.

I have made so many changes in three months and I feel pretty good about that. Now the next thing is to dump my Dr. Pepper addiction. I don't drink coffee so one large Dr. Pepper from McDonald's every morning is my shot of caffeine. I do realize I need to give it up, but I'm just not ready to right now.

Next blog I talk about what it is like NOT to eat the cake someone gets you for your birthday.

See you next time!

Diva