You may think this blog is a little off topic, but it isn't. I have always been single and I have always been fat. I had one long term relationship, male, which was off and on for 10 years and very dysfunctional. In my mind I always equate being single with being fat. Finally, I came out and had a date or two, but nothing serious along the way with one exception but she wasn't serious and I was. I have never lived with anyone, never been a couple, never gotten farther along than a few dates. I always thought this was because I was fat and when I became skinny it would change.
It doesn't matter that there are larger women who are married and have long term girlfriends, the reason I am single is because of the fat and that is that.
I go along with my weight loss knowing that at the end someone wonderful will find me and we will have rainbows, glitter, sparkles and Home Depot visits. But wait, if they find me when I'm thin doesn't that mean that they are really shallow and only love me when I'm skinny? I'm going to be the same person, right? Fat or thin I'm still me and they should love me no matter what!!!!
The fat is an excuse now for why I have no one in my life. Once that is gone, I need to face up to the fact that there may be a reason I don't have a girlfriend. That reason may, indeed, be me.
Right now that is not something I'm willing to think about.
Everyone has a reason why they are not doing what they want or being who they are. Perhaps there are visible scars or disabilities, maybe it is mental, maybe it is just plain fear. Part of what I am doing is overcoming some of these fears, healing some of my internal scars. It is a lot more than just weight. That's just the visible sign of my changing life.
So, no, I won't be the same person when I'm thinner.
See you next time.
Diva
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Rewards and Underwear
Being an emotional eater gives you lots of ways to feed your addiction. The thing is, it isn't just being sad or lonely or angry or frustrated that is the trigger for an emotional eater. It is also good news, feeling happy or proud. Think about this: how many good things in your life are celebrated with food? You get a promotion, you go out to a nice dinner to celebrate. Friends get engaged, you throw a bit party with lots of food. It's your birthday, go to a restaurant where they sing and give you ice cream. No matter how you look at it, food is a reward. You don't have to be addicted to know that.
This past week I received a small bonus from my work. I sat and thought a lot about what to do with it. I decided to go shopping after work. Before then, I "treated" myself to Subway for lunch. Now to be fair to myself I did get a healthy sandwich (oven roasted chicken on wheat bread) and I made sure to get the foot long so that I would have something to eat for dinner before I went shopping so I wouldn't be tempted by the mall food (See's Candy I'm talking to you). Shopping for me is akin to root canals. I don't like it at all. Usually because I can never find my size. I mostly shop on line and occasionally I'll find something at Walmart or Ross when I am with my daughter. Deciding to go shopping, well, I really needed many gin & tonics but I was driving and they have calories.
My intention was to buy underwear. Now, as a fat girl, underwear is not an easy thing to buy. You usually can't go to Walmart or Target and pick them up. I have to go to Lane Bryant or buy them on-line. The nice thing about Lane Bryant is that they will let you order it at the store and get it shipped to your house for free. That is what I had to do the last time I bought underwear because my size is too big and they don't stock them in the store. I am absolutely not complaining about Lane Bryant underwear. Plus size clothing has come a long way since I was young and there are much cuter choices. Unfortunately not in the ones I had to buy. I was happy that they weren't all white. So I ordered my underwear. That was 3 years ago. The other thing about underwear is that it is expensive and usually not something I worry about buying, because no one has seen my underwear in years so why bother? I wait until everything is completely falling apart. However, surprise, surprise I had a different problem--my underwear was too big!
I entered the mall after parking some distance away (quick cardio tip, btw) and passed store after store full of merchandise I knew would never fit and stores that, quite frankly, intimidate me. Gap, Forever 21, places like that. I've been in them and purchased gifts and they are always very nice, but I am afraid, deep inside, that stepping into these places will cause alarms to ring and security guards to appear to eject the fat girl from the store.
Finally I was at Lane Bryant and I went inside. I was able to purchase my lovely underwear in the store because the amazing thing is that I am two sizes smaller. TWO SIZES SMALLER GOD DAMMIT!!!! I felt absolutely amazing picking out my new underwear and walking out of the store with it. I walked past those stores again and I noticed I was walking taller and with more attitude. Gotta walk with attitude! I had no desire to stop at the candy store, no desire other than to go home with my new underwear. However, I first stopped at Starbucks and got my free Iced Chai Tea Latte (with vanilla) for my birthday.
Perhaps my newer, smaller underwear was my reward, perhaps it was the Starbucks. Whatever it was carried me through the weekend where I ate a healthy meal when I went out to brunch with friends on Saturday and then to Sunday where I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill at the gym after doing my workout. Somehow my motivation switch got switched back on after the last couple of weeks. Then again,maybe it was never off, just on pause.
Next week, I'm talking about more stuff, I just don't know what yet. Stay tuned!!!!!
Diva
This past week I received a small bonus from my work. I sat and thought a lot about what to do with it. I decided to go shopping after work. Before then, I "treated" myself to Subway for lunch. Now to be fair to myself I did get a healthy sandwich (oven roasted chicken on wheat bread) and I made sure to get the foot long so that I would have something to eat for dinner before I went shopping so I wouldn't be tempted by the mall food (See's Candy I'm talking to you). Shopping for me is akin to root canals. I don't like it at all. Usually because I can never find my size. I mostly shop on line and occasionally I'll find something at Walmart or Ross when I am with my daughter. Deciding to go shopping, well, I really needed many gin & tonics but I was driving and they have calories.
My intention was to buy underwear. Now, as a fat girl, underwear is not an easy thing to buy. You usually can't go to Walmart or Target and pick them up. I have to go to Lane Bryant or buy them on-line. The nice thing about Lane Bryant is that they will let you order it at the store and get it shipped to your house for free. That is what I had to do the last time I bought underwear because my size is too big and they don't stock them in the store. I am absolutely not complaining about Lane Bryant underwear. Plus size clothing has come a long way since I was young and there are much cuter choices. Unfortunately not in the ones I had to buy. I was happy that they weren't all white. So I ordered my underwear. That was 3 years ago. The other thing about underwear is that it is expensive and usually not something I worry about buying, because no one has seen my underwear in years so why bother? I wait until everything is completely falling apart. However, surprise, surprise I had a different problem--my underwear was too big!
I entered the mall after parking some distance away (quick cardio tip, btw) and passed store after store full of merchandise I knew would never fit and stores that, quite frankly, intimidate me. Gap, Forever 21, places like that. I've been in them and purchased gifts and they are always very nice, but I am afraid, deep inside, that stepping into these places will cause alarms to ring and security guards to appear to eject the fat girl from the store.
Finally I was at Lane Bryant and I went inside. I was able to purchase my lovely underwear in the store because the amazing thing is that I am two sizes smaller. TWO SIZES SMALLER GOD DAMMIT!!!! I felt absolutely amazing picking out my new underwear and walking out of the store with it. I walked past those stores again and I noticed I was walking taller and with more attitude. Gotta walk with attitude! I had no desire to stop at the candy store, no desire other than to go home with my new underwear. However, I first stopped at Starbucks and got my free Iced Chai Tea Latte (with vanilla) for my birthday.
Perhaps my newer, smaller underwear was my reward, perhaps it was the Starbucks. Whatever it was carried me through the weekend where I ate a healthy meal when I went out to brunch with friends on Saturday and then to Sunday where I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill at the gym after doing my workout. Somehow my motivation switch got switched back on after the last couple of weeks. Then again,maybe it was never off, just on pause.
Next week, I'm talking about more stuff, I just don't know what yet. Stay tuned!!!!!
Diva
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Bad Blogger!
I'm late with my blog......again. In my defense, I just didn't write one.
For the last couple of weeks I have been struggling. With a lot of things, not just my weight. The fact that I have to deal with weight issues in addition to all the other things is just the icing on the cake.
I decided that this time around I would talk about failing. It happens and not letting it affect you so that you keep failing, well, that's the thing.
I have been fat my whole life and I am an emotional eater. I've talked about this before. One of my biggest challenges is stopping all the bad behaviors, the "fat girl" behaviors. When my emotions come into play in any form, I eat. If I'm happy I eat to celebrate, if I'm angry or sad I eat to console myself. Good news, I eat. Bad news, I eat. So when things go wrong, as they did these last couple of weeks, my instinct is to eat.
The problem these last couple of weeks was that my car was in the shop for over two weeks. During that two weeks my well thought out and executed gym routine fell apart. Suffice it to say that while I did not abandon all my good work, I did make some poor choices. The good part is that even the poor choices were not as bad as the ones I'd make a year ago. So that's good, right? I know that I should have reverted back to the Comcast fitness videos, but I did not. So, the food choices I made were worse because I did not exercise. Quite frankly, I felt sorry for myself. A lot.
The good thing during this whole time was that although I made some bad choices, I never lost sight of what I needed to do. I never forgot that I was in this for the long haul. Each and every time I meet a hurdle I keep kicking that fat girl off to the curb. I'll keep kicking her until she stays in the background, cowed, forever. She's not going to win again.
Oh, and I finally got my car back. The first place I went was the gym. Did you hear that, I WENT TO THE GYM! I got back right where I needed to be and didn't look back. I didn't attack myself about the failures and I didn't ignore them either. I just let them stay in my past and went to the gym.
I kept my focus.
Next week's blog will be a surprise (because I haven't decided what to write about yet. Don't judge.)
See you next time!
Diva
For the last couple of weeks I have been struggling. With a lot of things, not just my weight. The fact that I have to deal with weight issues in addition to all the other things is just the icing on the cake.
I decided that this time around I would talk about failing. It happens and not letting it affect you so that you keep failing, well, that's the thing.
I have been fat my whole life and I am an emotional eater. I've talked about this before. One of my biggest challenges is stopping all the bad behaviors, the "fat girl" behaviors. When my emotions come into play in any form, I eat. If I'm happy I eat to celebrate, if I'm angry or sad I eat to console myself. Good news, I eat. Bad news, I eat. So when things go wrong, as they did these last couple of weeks, my instinct is to eat.
The problem these last couple of weeks was that my car was in the shop for over two weeks. During that two weeks my well thought out and executed gym routine fell apart. Suffice it to say that while I did not abandon all my good work, I did make some poor choices. The good part is that even the poor choices were not as bad as the ones I'd make a year ago. So that's good, right? I know that I should have reverted back to the Comcast fitness videos, but I did not. So, the food choices I made were worse because I did not exercise. Quite frankly, I felt sorry for myself. A lot.
The good thing during this whole time was that although I made some bad choices, I never lost sight of what I needed to do. I never forgot that I was in this for the long haul. Each and every time I meet a hurdle I keep kicking that fat girl off to the curb. I'll keep kicking her until she stays in the background, cowed, forever. She's not going to win again.
Oh, and I finally got my car back. The first place I went was the gym. Did you hear that, I WENT TO THE GYM! I got back right where I needed to be and didn't look back. I didn't attack myself about the failures and I didn't ignore them either. I just let them stay in my past and went to the gym.
I kept my focus.
Next week's blog will be a surprise (because I haven't decided what to write about yet. Don't judge.)
See you next time!
Diva
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Triggers - Some Serious Shit!
Triggers. We all have them. Alcoholics have triggers that start them drinking; drug addicts have triggers that make them take drugs; any addict knows all about triggers. That's what food is for me--an addiction. The only thing different about food addiction is that you need to keep eating to live. So managing to control a food addition; that's the trick. It all starts with triggers.
Think about the things in your life that trigger you. A smoker, for instance, might need a cigarette with that morning cup of coffee. So postponing that first cup might kill that trigger. A drug addict may need to find new friends because those people are her triggers. Sitting down for a scary movie requires that you pop a big bowl of popcorn. Some triggers are harmless, some deadly, some in-between.
The first thing is to IDENTIFY those triggers. If you are a binger, what starts that binge? Do you sometimes eat when you are sad? Unhappy? Angry? As a reward? Those are important things to find out. Knowing is the first step to controlling. So how do you do that? How do you find out what triggers you and take the first step toward controlling it?
Keeping a food diary is a very important tool for identifying triggers. Not only is it important to keep track of what you eat, but also when and, very importantly, how you feel when you are eating. It might sound a bit silly but, trust me, it works.
I'm a mood eater. An emotional eater, if you will. If I'm angry, I'll eat something I love to feel better. If I'm unhappy or depressed I'll eat something I love to feel better. If I'm lonely, well you get the idea. So, first off I know the big triggers. These days if I'm unhappy, lonely, depressed or whatever, I reach out to a friend and vent. Everyone has that friend you can turn to. You just need to reach out. I also retrained myself to do other things like pick up a favorite book, listen to music, watch a movie. Find a way to stop the big triggers by sidetracking them in a healthier way. It can be done.
So, everything is great now, right? Not hardly. Notice I said big triggers. What about those little triggers? Those are harder to identify. They disguise themselves as habits, they hide in your brain so you don't know you are falling prey to them. They are insidious and the most dangerous. That bowl of popcorn with your movie. Did you load it with salt and butter? That movie was your trigger for that unhealthy snack you just ate. Do you stop at Starbucks for a morning latte but you have to have that banana bread that goes with it? That coffee is your trigger for that banana bread you don't need. Eat a healthy breakfast before you leave house.
Those are just a few examples. Think about your own for a moment. Now think about how to break those triggers. For me, I could not eat at fast food places unless I got a full meal even though I really didn't want it. That is because it is ingrained in my head by my parents to not waste money and those meals are a great deal, right? Not at all. So, I started with a small change by just getting the burger that I wanted. Nothing else. OMG, was it hard! My frugality triggered me all the time to eat the wrong way. It was an epiphany when I finally realized that. Eventually, I stopped eating fast food altogether except for very rare occasions and I eat as healthy as I can there. I still have issues with this, but now that I've identified them, it's easier to take control.
You don't have to get rid of all your triggers if you know how use them. One of my main triggers is soda, Diet Dr. Pepper, to be exact. Anytime I drink a soda, I need to eat. Plain and simple. I cannot simply sit and enjoy a soda, I have to have food. So that means I drink my sodas, when I allow myself to have one, with a meal. I'm controlling that trigger by keeping within its limits. Other times I'll drink water or iced tea. Soda is the one addiction I'm having the hardest time breaking. I'll admit it, I don't want to give it up. So I find a way to still have it while not letting it take me somewhere I don't want to go.
So, right now, start your food journal if you don't already have one. Once you start identifying your triggers you can start working out how to stop them from hurting you.
Food journals are very important and I'm going to talk more about them again.
See you next time!
Diva
Think about the things in your life that trigger you. A smoker, for instance, might need a cigarette with that morning cup of coffee. So postponing that first cup might kill that trigger. A drug addict may need to find new friends because those people are her triggers. Sitting down for a scary movie requires that you pop a big bowl of popcorn. Some triggers are harmless, some deadly, some in-between.
The first thing is to IDENTIFY those triggers. If you are a binger, what starts that binge? Do you sometimes eat when you are sad? Unhappy? Angry? As a reward? Those are important things to find out. Knowing is the first step to controlling. So how do you do that? How do you find out what triggers you and take the first step toward controlling it?
Keeping a food diary is a very important tool for identifying triggers. Not only is it important to keep track of what you eat, but also when and, very importantly, how you feel when you are eating. It might sound a bit silly but, trust me, it works.
I'm a mood eater. An emotional eater, if you will. If I'm angry, I'll eat something I love to feel better. If I'm unhappy or depressed I'll eat something I love to feel better. If I'm lonely, well you get the idea. So, first off I know the big triggers. These days if I'm unhappy, lonely, depressed or whatever, I reach out to a friend and vent. Everyone has that friend you can turn to. You just need to reach out. I also retrained myself to do other things like pick up a favorite book, listen to music, watch a movie. Find a way to stop the big triggers by sidetracking them in a healthier way. It can be done.
So, everything is great now, right? Not hardly. Notice I said big triggers. What about those little triggers? Those are harder to identify. They disguise themselves as habits, they hide in your brain so you don't know you are falling prey to them. They are insidious and the most dangerous. That bowl of popcorn with your movie. Did you load it with salt and butter? That movie was your trigger for that unhealthy snack you just ate. Do you stop at Starbucks for a morning latte but you have to have that banana bread that goes with it? That coffee is your trigger for that banana bread you don't need. Eat a healthy breakfast before you leave house.
Those are just a few examples. Think about your own for a moment. Now think about how to break those triggers. For me, I could not eat at fast food places unless I got a full meal even though I really didn't want it. That is because it is ingrained in my head by my parents to not waste money and those meals are a great deal, right? Not at all. So, I started with a small change by just getting the burger that I wanted. Nothing else. OMG, was it hard! My frugality triggered me all the time to eat the wrong way. It was an epiphany when I finally realized that. Eventually, I stopped eating fast food altogether except for very rare occasions and I eat as healthy as I can there. I still have issues with this, but now that I've identified them, it's easier to take control.
You don't have to get rid of all your triggers if you know how use them. One of my main triggers is soda, Diet Dr. Pepper, to be exact. Anytime I drink a soda, I need to eat. Plain and simple. I cannot simply sit and enjoy a soda, I have to have food. So that means I drink my sodas, when I allow myself to have one, with a meal. I'm controlling that trigger by keeping within its limits. Other times I'll drink water or iced tea. Soda is the one addiction I'm having the hardest time breaking. I'll admit it, I don't want to give it up. So I find a way to still have it while not letting it take me somewhere I don't want to go.
So, right now, start your food journal if you don't already have one. Once you start identifying your triggers you can start working out how to stop them from hurting you.
Food journals are very important and I'm going to talk more about them again.
See you next time!
Diva
Sunday, September 1, 2013
No Birthday Cake? WTF!
Birthdays are different when you get older. However, I still look forward to them way too much and I am inevitably disappointed when I don't get pony rides and balloons. This year was no different. My birthday was on a Monday and I went to work. There was no cake or ice cream and I didn't get a song.
On Thursday, during a meeting, my boss brought in cake and ice cream to celebrate the August and September birthdays. As she brought in the cake, I didn't feel that little thrill. That little excitement about there being cake. I hardly noticed it. At the end of the meeting she invited me to be the first one to go and get some cake. I said no thank you. I TURNED DOWN CAKE, YOU GUYS! Everyone turned to look at me and then my boss said, "you know it's ok to have a piece of cake on your birthday".
I sat for a second and then I said I knew that but I really didn't want any cake. I realized I actually meant it and wasn't just saying that.Wonder of Wonders I didn't want any cake. Four months ago I would have had the piece with all the frosting and then gotten a second piece to take home. Now, I was turning down the cake. Let me repeat this because it is beyond amazing - I turned down the cake.
I don't know what got turned off in my brain, but OMFG it is amazing that it happened. I thought, "I can always have a piece later if I really want it". The thing is, I don't want it.
I don't want cake.
Next week I will talk about triggers and how I learned not to let them sabotage me.
See you next time!
Diva
On Thursday, during a meeting, my boss brought in cake and ice cream to celebrate the August and September birthdays. As she brought in the cake, I didn't feel that little thrill. That little excitement about there being cake. I hardly noticed it. At the end of the meeting she invited me to be the first one to go and get some cake. I said no thank you. I TURNED DOWN CAKE, YOU GUYS! Everyone turned to look at me and then my boss said, "you know it's ok to have a piece of cake on your birthday".
I sat for a second and then I said I knew that but I really didn't want any cake. I realized I actually meant it and wasn't just saying that.Wonder of Wonders I didn't want any cake. Four months ago I would have had the piece with all the frosting and then gotten a second piece to take home. Now, I was turning down the cake. Let me repeat this because it is beyond amazing - I turned down the cake.
I don't know what got turned off in my brain, but OMFG it is amazing that it happened. I thought, "I can always have a piece later if I really want it". The thing is, I don't want it.
I don't want cake.
Next week I will talk about triggers and how I learned not to let them sabotage me.
See you next time!
Diva
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