I was going to write about the gym this week, but I'm going to put that off for another week and address something that happened to me last week. A good friend invited me out to dinner. Now, when you are "dieting" or eating healthy or whatever, going out to dinner can be a land mine. So many ways to screw up all the good stuff you've done. She really wanted to go to the Golden Corral; that is a gigantic buffet here in Sacramento. It is all buffets rolled into one. There is seafood, steak, pizza, Mexican, a bakery, just tons of food. Now, I knew that I would need to be a little careful in there. I hadn't been to a buffet since last Easter so I was very nervous going in and I had every right to be. Once we entered, it was like a switch wanted to click on that started the food frenzy. I was very good at keeping it off and walked right by all the food to our table. I was kicking that fat girl hard, keeping her locked away. I quickly scanned everything and while walking to the table decided what I would and would not eat.
I told my friend to go and get her food first and I waited at the table, people watching, of course. As I did, I recognized my old self in all these people sitting in the restaurant. I watched them getting their food, fat person after fat person walking by, plates piled high. Huffing and puffing as they walked by. I have to say that I suddenly became so embarrassed. I was being so judgmental about everyone! Of all people, I should know how hard it is to kick the unhealthy eating habit so why was I being so hard on everyone else? I mean, seriously, I had only been doing this for 3 months and I was putting forward all this crap in my head about being so much better than all of them because I was eating healthy and they weren't. Well, aren't I a big, fucking deal, right? WRONG!
As I sat there, I realized that I had broken this cycle for me. Even though my first instinct was to grab a plate and start piling on the food, I didn't. I was able to stop that feeling in its tracks. I realized that was a major step in overcoming the fat girl I had been all my life. When my friend came back, I got up and got my plate. I ate a small steak, asparagus, cabbage, 1/2 of a baked potato and watermelon. I felt a bit guilty for my friend spending money for a buffet that was obviously wasted on me and then I started to to laugh at myself. THE BUFFET WAS WASTED ON ME! I'm breaking down my triggers one at a time and now I know I can be at a buffet and not be the fat girl.
I'm very excited to see what else I'm going to defeat, but I got a bit of a life lesson that night. I am one decision away from being that person again. One wrong decision from screwing up all the work I've done so far. Maybe that is what was happening to some of those people, they made a decision and now they are working hard to be better or they are just plain happy with who they are. I, mean, who am I judge?
Next time - Fat girl in a gym. WATCH OUT!
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Vegetarian
I am actually not a vegetarian. I do enjoy many vegetarian meals, but I am certainly never giving up meat. My favorite is steak. I could eat a well cooked steak every day. Alas, financial circumstances have left me with no way to purchase steak. Even chicken is more expensive now so I don't even eat too much of that. So mostly we eat turkey burger. Well, my children do.
Unfortunately, most lower income people are fat because of the food they can afford to buy. Hamburger Helper, lots of pasta and rice; these are easy and inexpensive meals. Right after I went back to work (I got laid of from a rather high paying job and now work for less that 1/3 of my former salary) we could barely afford to buy food for the two week pay period. We ate very unhealthy food. So I tried to compensate by eating smaller portions. That worked for a bit, but the food was still very unhealthy. I couldn't buy any fresh veggies. It was almost 6 months before I was able to taste a fresh tomato.
Recently, my daughter wanted to try vegetarianism and I wanted to help her so I tried with her. I already loved a great many vegetable dishes and routinely ate soy burgers and veggie burgers. So, it wasn't too hard for me. I started by substituting vegetables in things like spaghetti sauce. Broccoli and zucchini pretty much go well in everything.Then I began to look for other things. Unfortunately, processed food helps a little. There is a lot of sodium in it, but it works ok for me right now. I bought boxes and boxes of rice a roni. Yes, rice a roni. Right before it would finish cooking I'd add as many vegetables as I could find in the house. I also cooked it with tofu. Tofu is the perfect diet helper food when you don't get your protein from meat.
So, we started just eating a lot of rice with vegetables and it was very good, very filling. Then I started trying a lot of other new things. My favorite so far has been spaghetti squash. I think I've mentioned how much I love spaghetti? Spaghetti squash is the best thing I've tasted and it is so low calorie. I feel like I can pig out on spaghetti again. It tastes really good and I recommend you try it. There are about 5 million YouTube videos on how to make it so I won't waste time on it here. I make it and add my spaghetti sauce and it is amazing.
This week I start at the gym. I haven't been to a gym in years but I need to start getting some muscle and doing some toning. I'll give you a rundown in my next blog.
See you next time!
Unfortunately, most lower income people are fat because of the food they can afford to buy. Hamburger Helper, lots of pasta and rice; these are easy and inexpensive meals. Right after I went back to work (I got laid of from a rather high paying job and now work for less that 1/3 of my former salary) we could barely afford to buy food for the two week pay period. We ate very unhealthy food. So I tried to compensate by eating smaller portions. That worked for a bit, but the food was still very unhealthy. I couldn't buy any fresh veggies. It was almost 6 months before I was able to taste a fresh tomato.
Recently, my daughter wanted to try vegetarianism and I wanted to help her so I tried with her. I already loved a great many vegetable dishes and routinely ate soy burgers and veggie burgers. So, it wasn't too hard for me. I started by substituting vegetables in things like spaghetti sauce. Broccoli and zucchini pretty much go well in everything.Then I began to look for other things. Unfortunately, processed food helps a little. There is a lot of sodium in it, but it works ok for me right now. I bought boxes and boxes of rice a roni. Yes, rice a roni. Right before it would finish cooking I'd add as many vegetables as I could find in the house. I also cooked it with tofu. Tofu is the perfect diet helper food when you don't get your protein from meat.
So, we started just eating a lot of rice with vegetables and it was very good, very filling. Then I started trying a lot of other new things. My favorite so far has been spaghetti squash. I think I've mentioned how much I love spaghetti? Spaghetti squash is the best thing I've tasted and it is so low calorie. I feel like I can pig out on spaghetti again. It tastes really good and I recommend you try it. There are about 5 million YouTube videos on how to make it so I won't waste time on it here. I make it and add my spaghetti sauce and it is amazing.
This week I start at the gym. I haven't been to a gym in years but I need to start getting some muscle and doing some toning. I'll give you a rundown in my next blog.
See you next time!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
BIG ONE!!
Today I hit my first milestone. I hit the 25 pound loss! I have lost 25 pounds in two months. It may not sound like much when I have so much to lose, but is is a tremendous achievement for me.
This blog will be all about food. Simply because I love food. One of the hardest things to change is a habit. It can be done and I know that now. I have way too many bad habits, but I have started to put an end to many of them.
I love food. All fat people love food. Even skinny people love food but they have learned how to eat what they love without becoming a weight watchers before picture. The problem with me is that I don't have that gene or discipline or whatever you want to call it that can be satisfied with one bite of something. I have friends that do that. They eat one bite and are completely ok with not eating the rest. One bite for me is just the start of the race to the finish.
But what I want to speak to today is how I am eating right now that has enabled me to lose twenty-five pounds. I have heard for years that eating 6-8 small meals a day is the way to weight loss. I just couldn't understand, my brain could not comprehend, how that works. How could eating 8 times a day make you lose weight? Then suddenly, it hit me. I looked at what I was eating and split it up into small meals. I ate my breakfast at 8 and 10. Then my lunch at 12 and 2 or some sort of fruit if my lunch wasn't big enough to make two small meals. Then dinner around 5 and I'd finish with the rest of the dinner at 7 or another piece of fruit. In between the two dinner meals I'd do my cardio. Suddenly, I was losing weight. It was slow but as I started ramping up the cardio to 30 minutes it went faster. What I slowly began to realize was that I was pretty much full all day. I began to notice that what I used to eat, I could no longer eat. My portions were getting smaller simply because I just couldn't eat all that food any more. I had become one of THOSE people. "Oh, no I can't eat that much!" "Can someone split this with me, I can't eat it all." My brain was turning me into a skinny person.
How had I not known this all along? I won't say it has been easy; but my tastes are changing. I am changing. I am learning that I can still eat a lot of what I want. I am learning how to cook differently and eat differently. I have a lot still to learn, but each day is one more day that I am getting closer to being, physically, who I want to be.
Next blog I will talk about how wonderful vegetarian meals are. I'm not a vegetarian by any means, but I have learned how much I love eating vegetables.
See you next time!
Diva
This blog will be all about food. Simply because I love food. One of the hardest things to change is a habit. It can be done and I know that now. I have way too many bad habits, but I have started to put an end to many of them.
I love food. All fat people love food. Even skinny people love food but they have learned how to eat what they love without becoming a weight watchers before picture. The problem with me is that I don't have that gene or discipline or whatever you want to call it that can be satisfied with one bite of something. I have friends that do that. They eat one bite and are completely ok with not eating the rest. One bite for me is just the start of the race to the finish.
But what I want to speak to today is how I am eating right now that has enabled me to lose twenty-five pounds. I have heard for years that eating 6-8 small meals a day is the way to weight loss. I just couldn't understand, my brain could not comprehend, how that works. How could eating 8 times a day make you lose weight? Then suddenly, it hit me. I looked at what I was eating and split it up into small meals. I ate my breakfast at 8 and 10. Then my lunch at 12 and 2 or some sort of fruit if my lunch wasn't big enough to make two small meals. Then dinner around 5 and I'd finish with the rest of the dinner at 7 or another piece of fruit. In between the two dinner meals I'd do my cardio. Suddenly, I was losing weight. It was slow but as I started ramping up the cardio to 30 minutes it went faster. What I slowly began to realize was that I was pretty much full all day. I began to notice that what I used to eat, I could no longer eat. My portions were getting smaller simply because I just couldn't eat all that food any more. I had become one of THOSE people. "Oh, no I can't eat that much!" "Can someone split this with me, I can't eat it all." My brain was turning me into a skinny person.
How had I not known this all along? I won't say it has been easy; but my tastes are changing. I am changing. I am learning that I can still eat a lot of what I want. I am learning how to cook differently and eat differently. I have a lot still to learn, but each day is one more day that I am getting closer to being, physically, who I want to be.
Next blog I will talk about how wonderful vegetarian meals are. I'm not a vegetarian by any means, but I have learned how much I love eating vegetables.
See you next time!
Diva
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Here's the thing....
I am fat. I know that. It isn't something I can easily hide. I've always been this way....or so I thought. I remember always feeling fat when I was growing up and recently I started looking at some photos of those days and realized I wasn't fat. I was a normal sized girl. I was furious! How had this happened? How had I come to feel like a fat little girl when I clearly wasn't?
I remember kids calling me fat as far back as I can remember, my sister and brother making fun of me for being fat, even my dad got in the act asking if I bought my clothes at Omar the Tent Makers. Everyone laughing and I was a bad sport if I didn't join in all the time secretly dying a little inside. My mother and I shared this issue. After several children and a hysterectomy and a bad marriage, food became her comfort as it did mine. My brother and sister both ate what I did, but they stayed thin while I didn't. It became obvious to me many years later that they preferred being outside, while I preferred being inside with books and scores to Broadway musicals playing on the stereo.
Those were the days of Jack La Lane and Jane Fonda, hamburger patties, cottage cheese and Tab. Much like gays were never shown in a good light in those days, fat people were never shown getting thin on any of these. Just skinny people getting skinnier. When I was 18, my doctor put me on diet pills. Little yellow ones I took once a day. The only issue with them was that I was a night owl and never slept, so when the pills wore off I'd eat. Imagine, an 18 year old given amphetamines by a doctor. That was 1977. What a surprise I never lost the weight. I just kept getting bigger. After two children, well, the weight never came off and I pretty much gave up. However, I wasn't one of those whiny fat people. Oh, no, not me. I was self-confident, outgoing and very independent.
While I was in high school I struggled with my sexuality. Had that something to do with my eating? Perhaps. My family has many addicts of various kinds so maybe I was a food addict? My sister is an alcoholic and drug addict; I have an uncle who is an alcoholic; my brother was a pot head. Then there's me with my food. I went to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) but they were a bust. All this higher power crap. Really doesn't apply to being fat, I hate to tell you. There was Weight Watchers more times than I can count, Atkins, Carbohydrate addicts diet (that's how I lost my gall bladder), Cabbage soup diet, everything Richard Simmons ever sold. Still, here I am fat.
So what is different now and how am I finally losing weight and being ok with it? Well, being ok with losing weight is a big deal. I am losing my identity with the weight. Whether it is a good identity or not, it is all I have and all mine. It is a shell, a cocoon if you will. It protects me from a myriad of things. It's a double edged sword, though, because as it protects it keeps those good things away. Because, if that woman doesn't like me it's because I'm fat. I didn't get the job because I'm fat. You see where I'm going? Everything is because I'm fat and if I lose that cushion of protection, all that's left is me. The me that I don't even think I know. So, how did I get here?
It was weird. One day, about two maybe three months ago, something clicked and I realized what it was I had to do and I just started doing it. I will detail it more in future blogs but the most important thing I started doing was move. That's it, move. Pretty simple, right? First, I could only move for about 5 minutes. But I kept doing it. Then it became 10, then twenty and now I am at 30 minutes of cardio pretty much every day. I wish it was faster, I wish I hadn't treated my body like this, I wish so many things but those wishes are just self-defeating. That is my biggest enemy right now. Letting my past corrupt this new future I see. Right now I am not going to let it happen. I will not lie, it is a struggle every day. There's a commercial and I think, one order of fries from McDonald's won't hurt. I mean, after all, I'm exercising so much right now right?
I apologize to all my friends because I seek out so much validation right now? You haven't seen me in two weeks? How much thinner do I look? I have great friends and they just laugh and tell me I'm so skinny they can hardly see me. I love them for that. I love them for not wanting to kill me all the time talking about eating and exercise. Even my children have started asking if I've exercised.
Yes, I have and now I can't move. But it's getting better. Each and every day.
See you next time!
Diva
I remember kids calling me fat as far back as I can remember, my sister and brother making fun of me for being fat, even my dad got in the act asking if I bought my clothes at Omar the Tent Makers. Everyone laughing and I was a bad sport if I didn't join in all the time secretly dying a little inside. My mother and I shared this issue. After several children and a hysterectomy and a bad marriage, food became her comfort as it did mine. My brother and sister both ate what I did, but they stayed thin while I didn't. It became obvious to me many years later that they preferred being outside, while I preferred being inside with books and scores to Broadway musicals playing on the stereo.
Those were the days of Jack La Lane and Jane Fonda, hamburger patties, cottage cheese and Tab. Much like gays were never shown in a good light in those days, fat people were never shown getting thin on any of these. Just skinny people getting skinnier. When I was 18, my doctor put me on diet pills. Little yellow ones I took once a day. The only issue with them was that I was a night owl and never slept, so when the pills wore off I'd eat. Imagine, an 18 year old given amphetamines by a doctor. That was 1977. What a surprise I never lost the weight. I just kept getting bigger. After two children, well, the weight never came off and I pretty much gave up. However, I wasn't one of those whiny fat people. Oh, no, not me. I was self-confident, outgoing and very independent.
While I was in high school I struggled with my sexuality. Had that something to do with my eating? Perhaps. My family has many addicts of various kinds so maybe I was a food addict? My sister is an alcoholic and drug addict; I have an uncle who is an alcoholic; my brother was a pot head. Then there's me with my food. I went to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) but they were a bust. All this higher power crap. Really doesn't apply to being fat, I hate to tell you. There was Weight Watchers more times than I can count, Atkins, Carbohydrate addicts diet (that's how I lost my gall bladder), Cabbage soup diet, everything Richard Simmons ever sold. Still, here I am fat.
So what is different now and how am I finally losing weight and being ok with it? Well, being ok with losing weight is a big deal. I am losing my identity with the weight. Whether it is a good identity or not, it is all I have and all mine. It is a shell, a cocoon if you will. It protects me from a myriad of things. It's a double edged sword, though, because as it protects it keeps those good things away. Because, if that woman doesn't like me it's because I'm fat. I didn't get the job because I'm fat. You see where I'm going? Everything is because I'm fat and if I lose that cushion of protection, all that's left is me. The me that I don't even think I know. So, how did I get here?
It was weird. One day, about two maybe three months ago, something clicked and I realized what it was I had to do and I just started doing it. I will detail it more in future blogs but the most important thing I started doing was move. That's it, move. Pretty simple, right? First, I could only move for about 5 minutes. But I kept doing it. Then it became 10, then twenty and now I am at 30 minutes of cardio pretty much every day. I wish it was faster, I wish I hadn't treated my body like this, I wish so many things but those wishes are just self-defeating. That is my biggest enemy right now. Letting my past corrupt this new future I see. Right now I am not going to let it happen. I will not lie, it is a struggle every day. There's a commercial and I think, one order of fries from McDonald's won't hurt. I mean, after all, I'm exercising so much right now right?
I apologize to all my friends because I seek out so much validation right now? You haven't seen me in two weeks? How much thinner do I look? I have great friends and they just laugh and tell me I'm so skinny they can hardly see me. I love them for that. I love them for not wanting to kill me all the time talking about eating and exercise. Even my children have started asking if I've exercised.
Yes, I have and now I can't move. But it's getting better. Each and every day.
See you next time!
Diva
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