I was going to write about the gym this week, but I'm going to put that off for another week and address something that happened to me last week. A good friend invited me out to dinner. Now, when you are "dieting" or eating healthy or whatever, going out to dinner can be a land mine. So many ways to screw up all the good stuff you've done. She really wanted to go to the Golden Corral; that is a gigantic buffet here in Sacramento. It is all buffets rolled into one. There is seafood, steak, pizza, Mexican, a bakery, just tons of food. Now, I knew that I would need to be a little careful in there. I hadn't been to a buffet since last Easter so I was very nervous going in and I had every right to be. Once we entered, it was like a switch wanted to click on that started the food frenzy. I was very good at keeping it off and walked right by all the food to our table. I was kicking that fat girl hard, keeping her locked away. I quickly scanned everything and while walking to the table decided what I would and would not eat.
I told my friend to go and get her food first and I waited at the table, people watching, of course. As I did, I recognized my old self in all these people sitting in the restaurant. I watched them getting their food, fat person after fat person walking by, plates piled high. Huffing and puffing as they walked by. I have to say that I suddenly became so embarrassed. I was being so judgmental about everyone! Of all people, I should know how hard it is to kick the unhealthy eating habit so why was I being so hard on everyone else? I mean, seriously, I had only been doing this for 3 months and I was putting forward all this crap in my head about being so much better than all of them because I was eating healthy and they weren't. Well, aren't I a big, fucking deal, right? WRONG!
As I sat there, I realized that I had broken this cycle for me. Even though my first instinct was to grab a plate and start piling on the food, I didn't. I was able to stop that feeling in its tracks. I realized that was a major step in overcoming the fat girl I had been all my life. When my friend came back, I got up and got my plate. I ate a small steak, asparagus, cabbage, 1/2 of a baked potato and watermelon. I felt a bit guilty for my friend spending money for a buffet that was obviously wasted on me and then I started to to laugh at myself. THE BUFFET WAS WASTED ON ME! I'm breaking down my triggers one at a time and now I know I can be at a buffet and not be the fat girl.
I'm very excited to see what else I'm going to defeat, but I got a bit of a life lesson that night. I am one decision away from being that person again. One wrong decision from screwing up all the work I've done so far. Maybe that is what was happening to some of those people, they made a decision and now they are working hard to be better or they are just plain happy with who they are. I, mean, who am I judge?
Next time - Fat girl in a gym. WATCH OUT!
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