I am fat. I know that. It isn't something I can easily hide. I've always been this way....or so I thought. I remember always feeling fat when I was growing up and recently I started looking at some photos of those days and realized I wasn't fat. I was a normal sized girl. I was furious! How had this happened? How had I come to feel like a fat little girl when I clearly wasn't?
I remember kids calling me fat as far back as I can remember, my sister and brother making fun of me for being fat, even my dad got in the act asking if I bought my clothes at Omar the Tent Makers. Everyone laughing and I was a bad sport if I didn't join in all the time secretly dying a little inside. My mother and I shared this issue. After several children and a hysterectomy and a bad marriage, food became her comfort as it did mine. My brother and sister both ate what I did, but they stayed thin while I didn't. It became obvious to me many years later that they preferred being outside, while I preferred being inside with books and scores to Broadway musicals playing on the stereo.
Those were the days of Jack La Lane and Jane Fonda, hamburger patties, cottage cheese and Tab. Much like gays were never shown in a good light in those days, fat people were never shown getting thin on any of these. Just skinny people getting skinnier. When I was 18, my doctor put me on diet pills. Little yellow ones I took once a day. The only issue with them was that I was a night owl and never slept, so when the pills wore off I'd eat. Imagine, an 18 year old given amphetamines by a doctor. That was 1977. What a surprise I never lost the weight. I just kept getting bigger. After two children, well, the weight never came off and I pretty much gave up. However, I wasn't one of those whiny fat people. Oh, no, not me. I was self-confident, outgoing and very independent.
While I was in high school I struggled with my sexuality. Had that something to do with my eating? Perhaps. My family has many addicts of various kinds so maybe I was a food addict? My sister is an alcoholic and drug addict; I have an uncle who is an alcoholic; my brother was a pot head. Then there's me with my food. I went to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) but they were a bust. All this higher power crap. Really doesn't apply to being fat, I hate to tell you. There was Weight Watchers more times than I can count, Atkins, Carbohydrate addicts diet (that's how I lost my gall bladder), Cabbage soup diet, everything Richard Simmons ever sold. Still, here I am fat.
So what is different now and how am I finally losing weight and being ok with it? Well, being ok with losing weight is a big deal. I am losing my identity with the weight. Whether it is a good identity or not, it is all I have and all mine. It is a shell, a cocoon if you will. It protects me from a myriad of things. It's a double edged sword, though, because as it protects it keeps those good things away. Because, if that woman doesn't like me it's because I'm fat. I didn't get the job because I'm fat. You see where I'm going? Everything is because I'm fat and if I lose that cushion of protection, all that's left is me. The me that I don't even think I know. So, how did I get here?
It was weird. One day, about two maybe three months ago, something clicked and I realized what it was I had to do and I just started doing it. I will detail it more in future blogs but the most important thing I started doing was move. That's it, move. Pretty simple, right? First, I could only move for about 5 minutes. But I kept doing it. Then it became 10, then twenty and now I am at 30 minutes of cardio pretty much every day. I wish it was faster, I wish I hadn't treated my body like this, I wish so many things but those wishes are just self-defeating. That is my biggest enemy right now. Letting my past corrupt this new future I see. Right now I am not going to let it happen. I will not lie, it is a struggle every day. There's a commercial and I think, one order of fries from McDonald's won't hurt. I mean, after all, I'm exercising so much right now right?
I apologize to all my friends because I seek out so much validation right now? You haven't seen me in two weeks? How much thinner do I look? I have great friends and they just laugh and tell me I'm so skinny they can hardly see me. I love them for that. I love them for not wanting to kill me all the time talking about eating and exercise. Even my children have started asking if I've exercised.
Yes, I have and now I can't move. But it's getting better. Each and every day.
See you next time!
Diva
